Thursday, December 29, 2011

a guide to surviving the new year in all your single glory

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a few account execs who I work with. Seeing as the ball is set to drop in a few days and it's almost time to start picking out the optimal fish net/ lipstick combo party dress, the conversation developed around New Years plans. As they are obviously fully functioning adults, they, unlike me, have a glamorous party to attend and a hot date to kiss at midnight.To make matters worse, they continued to pity the poor souls who must endure a couple-less stroke of midnight. "What will they do?" "it's so awkward." Nothing like some peer judgement to wash down my truffle baked salmon filet. 

But I'll tell you what we do. It's a lot harder than it looks, people. Nobody wants to be the gal who stands around awkwardly waiting for all the coupling to -holy hell- please end. Thanks to a series of questionable life decisions (um,  girls school) and general pickiness, I have mastered the new years singledoom. Luckily, we have some options while sill retaining a little bit of dignity (I said a little bit):

1. Bring a camera
I've found that in socially awkward situations, you can make yourself more marketable with a camera. I mean, everyone loves when someone documents those crazy nights.  Who doesn't like reviewing picture after picture of blurry faces of that stranger who you swore looked like John Krasinski. If you are lucky, you might capture some scandalous hook-ups 

2. Make a bet with your friends that you can guzzle that whole bottle of Andre
So instead of the pressure of finding someone to kiss, you can just chug a bottle. Sure, you might not feel stellar in the morning- especially because Andre is liquid crack- but at least you bypassed the moment in all your secret frat-boy glory.

3. Streak
Everybody loves a midnight streaker. I went to a women's college, so this happened quite often. Nothing like exposing your bloated alcohol belly to fuel that new years weight loss motivation.

4. Find a cutie
Why not? You know by 10:15 everyone has basically scoped out their midnight smooch. That skinny guy with a hipster t-shirt who is still single. That's him. Go in for the kill. Why not start the year with a slight glimmer of romance? 

5. Bring a gal
I guess this is the most obvious choice. Put on your cute dresses and get ready with your best gal. Match each other shot for shot, and by the time midnight rolls around, you will either be a) rolling on the bathroom floor, or b) rolling in laughter at the awkwardly new couples. Either way, TOGETHER, is the point. Wingwomen rock. 

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