When I first started practicing yoga, Dancer’s Pose was one
of those poses that I could just barely do. I could feel that I was so close to
getting it, but I wasn’t quite there yet. I knew that balance and confidence came
with extended practice, so I used Dancer’s as a benchmark pose. I looked
forward to it every class because I could actually feel myself getting more comfortable: kicking my leg out higher,
standing on my one leg longer. It was invigorating.
My left leg was stronger than my right. When Brandon, my
teacher, would walk near me and assist when I was on my good leg, I would shine
proudly. But ~holy hell~ if he happened to be in my area of the room when I was
on my other, I would quiver and fall just from the anxiety. Like sometimes I
couldn’t even get myself up. It was so demented! hahaha Not long after I
started giving so much importance to the pose, I started using it as a
benchmark to compare myself to other student. I wanted to know how I was doing
in comparison, you know? But, alas, when I did this too, I would get anxious
and fall no matter what leg I was on. I thought “well shit, if I am looking at
them, they MUST be looking at me, too.”
Aaaaaaand then I would fall.
I was stuck in this notion of perfectionism. Perfectionism
turned to competition. And yoga turned into stress. Not only was this present
on my mat, but in my life, too. I compared my performance at work, my weight,
my appearance, my relationships to others.
This happens to so many students. I eventually acknowledged
the cage I built around myself and started to work on it (yeah, that took a
lot… it didn’t actually happen until I switched studios this summer).
As homework from day one, we were asked to think of what we were ready to give up.
I give up perfectionism,
judgment, and insecurity.
The theme of day two is Reception. Well, I don’t know if
that was the actual theme, but I made it the theme. Hahaha. We started the day
with an amazing exercise. We partnered up and worked face to face with one
student, never breaking eye contact.
We went through our practice, mirroring each other and staring into the other’s
eyes (I mean really looking…. ). Then we took turns being the “leader” and one
would mimic what the other did in their practice. If I did downdog, she did
downdog. Finally, we did this insanely intense variation where one person would
perform their practice for the other, who would just stand in tadasana at the
top of the mat and watch.
HOLY HELL. Just watching the beauty, individuality, and
unity in another’s practice is tear jerking. You are watching the most raw form
of self expression. That person in front of you is raw. And you are receiving an amazing gift to be allowed to watch
that. You are the receiver
As an assistant, it is easy to think that you are fixing
someone; that you are giving your tools and knowledge to make their practice perfect. But you aren’t. Oh My God, you
aren’t. You are receiving a gift. As my partner put it: “Watching my partner
was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. That little bead of sweat on her
back made me cry. All of a sudden, that bead of sweat was the most gorgeous
thing I had ever seen. Because it came from authenticity.”
My teacher Paige said: “ If you are not crying while
watching this practice, you do not know how to receive.”
“hmmmm” I thought, I do not know how to receive. Well shit
It is a constant relationship to conversation. Giving and
receiving, receiving and giving. You need both (OMG Always two there are, no more, no less. Eff yeah Star Wars)
ENOUGH OF THIS YOGI TALK.
Haha OK, so what did I do outside of training? Well not
much. Training started early and went late. I was supposed to meet up with some
college friends, but I couldn’t do it. I was tired. But really, I was too committed
to this program. I couldnt cheat myself and stay up late and drink. I felt raw
and new and I wanted to bask in that all night. I wanted to give and receive
the next morning (you know, not give a receiving toilet my puke)
So I bought some cake, a bagel, Indian soup, and drank some
wine. OBVIOUSLY. Durrrr. I was in bliss.
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